27 December 2008

barbies

by Cecily
My stepdad forwarded these to me in an email a while ago. Ha ha ha! Photoshopped dolls poking fun at stereotypes about various small towns in Montana! This post is sure to be a favorite all around the world.

Anyway everyone in my family gave each other bottles of wine and bourbon for Christmas, and pirated totally legal copies of movies purchased in crazy Asian countries The United States of America! So I have been far too busy with those to think of anything interesting to say, sorry.

MONTANA BARBIES:


KALISPELL BARBIE
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. She has no idea what Ken does for work. Cell phone and golden retriever dog sold separately.




HUNGRY HORSE BARBIE
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals (one heel is broken from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Billings Barbie's house). Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.




BOZEMAN BARBIE
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastied Barbie wears a trendy leopard-print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built spec house in new subdivision.




WOLF POINT BARBIE
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Warning: it is possible that Wolf Point Barbie will soon come with an additional infant.




GREAT FALLS BARBIE
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, in which case this is a display model only.


HAMILTON BARBIE
She's perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings. Available with 2.5 kids.




MISSOULA BARBIE
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Missoula Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.




BILLINGS BARBIE
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.




WHITEFISH BARBIE
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership card. Also available for this set are California Commuter Ken and Boarding School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.




BIG SKY BARBIE
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named 'Belle' and a million dollar waterfront home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.





p. s. I do not know who made these hilarious items. If it was you, email me and I'll give you credit. Or not. Whatever you want baby.

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