Straw [M|B]an

Straw Ban Man
If I didn't feel certain that the Founding Fathers are going to return any day now, sailing down the Potomac in all their glory to advance us all to the next level, I would be worried about climate change. I would still not support any bans on plastic straws, though, because they don't solve the problem and they actively hurt vulnerable people.

They Don't Solve the Problem
If there's any hope of saving the world (don't worry, there's not), it's going to involve a lot of sacrifices on a lot of levels from the wealthiest of us. (Us being humanity, not Americans, although that too.) Using fewer plastic straws should certainly be a component of that! Let's all not use straws if we don't need them. Let's also work on getting rid of all the all the HumVs and oil drilling and leaky pipelines and frivolous air travel and to-go boxes and extra packaging and microdermabrasion beads. Let's pass laws forcing restaurants to provide biodegradable straws even though they're more expensive. Hey! Let's ban restaurants from sending food home in STYROFOAM BOXES for christ's sake. And please let's ban coal rollers! Ban ordering shit from Amazon instead of going to the store on your way home! (Maybe Jeff Bezos could use some of his extra dollars to switch to biodegradable packaging in the Amazon boxes instead of space travel?) Starting with plastic straws is ridiculous, which is not problematic per se, but besides being ridiculous it actively hurts people who don't deserve it and shouldn't have to.

Bans Actively Hurt Vulnerable People
Many disabled people need straws to drink. Reusable or paper straws are a workable solution for some, but not all. Banning plastic straws would make these people's already disenfranchised lives even more full of barriers. Having prescriptions or special permits for straws puts the burden of accessibility on disabled people, who are already spending way too much energy fighting for rights and access, instead of on the venue. In this country we already force disabled people to live in poverty, remain unmarried, and endure stares, condescension, and criticism every time we are out in public. We already have to argue for hours to get interpreters or find out if a place is wheelchair-accessible or be let into a bar with our fucking guide dog. Strangers already harass us for parking in reserved spots and for buying a bottle of wine and for just being out of the house after 5:00. Let's not add to the difficulties we're already forcing disabled people to face. Let's think of a different way.

Straw Man Ban
Luckily in real life we don't have to worry about any of this because like I said, Abe Lincoln is gonna be swimming up that Potomac to save us all real soon now, and I'm sure that whereever he takes us there will be high-quality biodegradable bendy straws for everyone.