barbies

My stepdad forwarded these to me in an email a while ago. Ha ha ha! Photoshopped dolls poking fun at stereotypes about various small towns in Montana! This post is sure to be a favorite all around the world.

Anyway everyone in my family gave each other bottles of wine and bourbon for Christmas, and pirated totally legal copies of movies purchased in crazy Asian countries The United States of America! So I have been far too busy with those to think of anything interesting to say, sorry.

MONTANA BARBIES:


KALISPELL BARBIE
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation. She has no idea what Ken does for work. Cell phone and golden retriever dog sold separately.




HUNGRY HORSE BARBIE
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals (one heel is broken from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Billings Barbie's house). Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.




BOZEMAN BARBIE
This collagen-injected, rhinoplastied Barbie wears a trendy leopard-print outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends. Percocet prescription available as well as newly built spec house in new subdivision.




WOLF POINT BARBIE
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and 2 infant dolls. Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his 1979 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Warning: it is possible that Wolf Point Barbie will soon come with an additional infant.




GREAT FALLS BARBIE
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy truck with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable bills) unless you are a cop, in which case this is a display model only.


HAMILTON BARBIE
She's perfect in every way, mainly due to the high levels of antidepressants in her system. We don't know where Ken is because he's always at church meetings. Available with 2.5 kids.




MISSOULA BARBIE
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her Willow. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Missoula Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.




BILLINGS BARBIE
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR t-shirt and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Bud Light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick Mullet Ken's butt when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.




WHITEFISH BARBIE
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card, and country club membership card. Also available for this set are California Commuter Ken and Boarding School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.




BIG SKY BARBIE
She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog named 'Belle' and a million dollar waterfront home. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented version.





p. s. I do not know who made these hilarious items. If it was you, email me and I'll give you credit. Or not. Whatever you want baby.

I'm hoping to stay in this chair for a few days solid

I'm in Billings. The tale of my journey was really stupid and long and sad, starting with how the NWA people "forgot" to tell the flight crew when they were supposed to be at the airport, so they were all still asleep in their hotel rooms when we were supposed to be boarding the plane. So, that flight was 3 hours late, and before we had even left DC I had missed my connection to Minneapolis. I kept trying to get someone to just put me on a different flight to Minneapolis (there was one RIGHT NEXT DOOR, as well as many others) but they were too stressed out and just made everyone go to Detroit on the premise that "they will rebook you there, we promise".

But, then, Detroit was full of all these people who needed to be rebooked. (NWA had also just cancelled some huge flight to Hawaii, plus many others were late. I was in line next to a kid who had been in Detroit since Saturday morning). So it took 2 hours to get to the front of the line, and then there were no seats available to Minneapolis until 7 pm.

I kind of wanted to go to Missoula anyway (and was planning to drive over there today to hang out with my other brother and with Heebie Geebie) so I kept suggesting that I be sent to any place! Any place in Montana! Bozeman! Butte! Kalispell! I don't care! What about Spokane!

But all the flights were full.

So I sat around in Detroit for a lot of hours, feeling sorry for myself and reading stupid books about vampires.

Then I went to board the flight. Except it wasn't there. The gate agent told me to go to a different gate, where my flight was on the marquee, with an estimated departure of 8:30.

I was supposed to be arriving in Minneapolis at 8:30 to get on the VERY LAST PLANE EVER to Billings, which was supposed to board at 9.

So I was going to miss that flight. And I had been awake for a really long time, and if I was going to miss it anyway I wanted to go to bed RIGHT NOW.

So I went up to some random other gate agent and was all pathetic and "please can you please help me? I am really, really tired, if I'm going to miss the flight anyway can you put me in a hotel here please". And he started looking at flights and told me that (a) if I didn't get on the flight to Billings that night, I was not going to be able to fly to anywhere in Montana until Friday, and (b) I was going to miss the connection and all the other flights to Minneapolis were full.

I might have started crying a little bit at this point. Just a little! I said, whatever, okay, I'll go to Minneapolis and figure this all out tomorrow when I am more coherent, sorry I'm crying! I'm just really tired.

Then he looked at all the "mechanical problems" and "crew problems" and how I had been so sorely mistreated by fate all day, and also how I was kind of crying (JUST A LITTLE) and magically decided to put me on his plane anyway. Which was leaving for Minneapolis in 30 minutes and which 10 minutes previously he had said was "completely full"

Whatever.

He put me in an exit row, which I am not allowed to sit in because I am deaf, but I didn't say anything to anyone because I am so selfish and irresponsible.

Then I got to Minneapolis, and my plane to Billings was also late (they had to replace a wheel. Or something.)

So, I got here last night, at midnight. Which is 2:00 AM in DC. And I woke up at 4:00 AM in DC yesterday morning. So I had been awake for 22 hours. That is too many hours for me. I like to only be awake, like, 12 or 14, at most. Also I don't get to go to Missoula any more; time and weather were not on my side.

But, I had gigantic brothers to meet me at the airport and carry my bags and fawn over me, and put me to bed. I slept for 13 hours and now I'm drinking coffee. It is snowing. Everyone is off doing things at the mall and the gym and the grocery store and the pottery shop except one brother who is reading a magazine at the table with me. All is relatively right with the world.

also you'd think the collective would be something better than "herd"

Do you know what word has a really deeply unsatisfying plural form in the English language? It is "moose". One moose, two moose, three moose, a dozen moose. How many moose? Too many moose to count.

"Mooses" would be an improvement.

"Meece" would be so much better.

Julie always gets annoyed with me because whenever I am talking about a moose to her (SO OFTEN.) I do the sign for "moose" and then I get worried that maybe someone will think I am talking about an elk or a deer, so I spell out M O O S E too just in case. And Julie is all "yeah Cecily, when have you ever told a story about a deer or an elk? it's a moose, we get it, hurry up and finish your story already."


It's true, I know way more stories about moose than about elk or deer. Which also have zero plural forms, but which don't annoy me at all. Who cares if it's one deer or two deers? I wanna hear more about the MOOSE!

I don't actually have a story about a moose to tell you right now. There are no moose allowed in Washington DC; I am pretty sure it's Official Federal Constitution Policy. Up in the Frozen North, though, there are lots! Lots of mooses! So many meece! Maybe I'll see some and tell you a story about it later.

Update! my mother writes to add:

Do you have any memory of the song you made up as a two year old called,"Moosey Julia"? It was because I had you at the cabin and a mother moose came browsing around you and I were sitting at the table and she came and looked in the window. The song went something like:

"Moosey Julia, Moosey Julia
running around calling "Noot! Noot!"

I think you had her looking for her baby inside the cabin, anyway you sang it for a year or two and it was always adorable.

So. There you go. I don't actually remember this, particularly, but I am always willing to believe people who tell me I am adorable.

ANOTHER UPDATE: An anonymous commenter points out the genius of Brian Regan:

“Moosen! I saw a flock of MOOSEN! There were many of ‘em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods…in the wood-es…in the woodsen. The meese want the food in the woodesen…food is the eatenesen…the meese want the food in the woodesenes…food in the woodesenes.”

Moosen it is.

are you tired of adorable babies yet?

I linked to this before in a comment, but now Lindsay captioned it for me. The best part is at 3:00 where the baby fakes utter dejection, on behalf of David.



Thanks Lindsay!

p. s. if anyone knows lots of stuff about captioning/subtitles, formatting, and .srt files, please email me.

where you are at?

All over!

Here's what Google Analytics says about who looked at this blog on a recent day:



There's a big splotchy dot for Constitution City, obviously, obscuring the rest of the east coast. Then we got some M state action up there and a nice scatter down the west coast. Plus hi Texas! I never knew I had so many imaginary friends in Texas. Hook em, or whatever it is you crazy kids say down there.

Half the international visits are boring and predictable, and the other half are totally inexplicable to me. There's my dad in Mozambique, and Lindsay in Sydney, and Jim at his conference in Manila, and my mama in Beijing. But who are all these people in Utrecht? And Jerusalem? And Brisbane?

Anyway. Presumably I'll think of something else interesting to talk about soon, now that the semester is over and I've recovered from all the ensuing whiskey consumption. So, you know. Stay tuned for that.

See you.

Family update: Vocabulary Expansion Edition

Update: Michael found a multimedia event demonstrating the wonders and dangers of Counterflowing:



My stepdad is in Manila for a conference. He writes:

Driving to Tagaytay was also an experience. I learned another new word, counterflow. It is a Manila-taxi word, and is used in a sentence like this (spoken very casually): "If the traffic is bad, it is okay to counterflow." Then the cabbie smiles at you. (Note to travelers: pay very close attention when someone in Manila smiles at you.)

"To counterflow" means TO CROSS THE CENTER LINE AND DRIVE IN THE LANE OF ONCOMING TRAFFIC ON A FOUR LANE HIGHWAY.

This was a great surprise to me, and I am determined to remember the word, counterflow. The next time everything looks like it has turned to shit around me, just before I do something incredibly stupid, I will smile and tell those around me (in a casual voice), "In this situation, it is okay to counterflow." Then I will smile and do the stupid thing. Counterflow.

I'm pretty sure that at the end of the semester, counterflowing is standard procedure. Counterflowing with whiskey! It is okay! Right guys? See you Wednesday.

we've been working on this trick for a while

it's still kind of hit or miss, but excellent when successful.

Let's play rock paper scissors and you're wine and I'm beer

and the winner gets to drink the loser and the loser has to do all my homework.



Dear Internet,

Hello! Did you know that it is December? It is December.

See you when I'm done writing papers!

love,
Cecily